Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
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genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.