I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
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My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Kids, do not try this at home!
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”