gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
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Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.