As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Are we there yet?…
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵