pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
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massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I laughed at this way too hard.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.