[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
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“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
This will never not be funny to me.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.