ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
my first day as a raccoon
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”