If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
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My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[eulogy]
line?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*