“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
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I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
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I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday