me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
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ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I feel seen