Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
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this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.