If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
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In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?