Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Buck naked
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Spring cleaning checklist…
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
okay run it by me one more time
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.