90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
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I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
😅🤣😂
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
channeling her this year
My dog ate my work from home.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.