Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
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Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..