Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
You Might Also Like
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
What an awful time to have common sense.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.