A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
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Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric