Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
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I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.