showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
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lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help