If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
You Might Also Like
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W