if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-