I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
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I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I’d rather go liquor treating.
me
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
🤣🤣💀
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
my retirement plan is braless
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.