It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
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ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Omg 🤣
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.