Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
who will stop them
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*