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It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?