if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
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*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Planet of the Apps.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting