Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
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Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?