*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
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My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed