Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
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My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Happy Taco Tuesday
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.