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[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
The sacred texts.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot