Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
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ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
thanks auntie mary
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up