It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
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When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.