Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
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[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.