[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
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Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR