I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
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If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts