Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
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Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
My birthstone is kidney
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
no their not
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs