losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
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PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman