me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
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I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.