ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
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I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw