I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
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Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”