Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
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ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
time for some seasonal decor
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?