Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
You Might Also Like
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My brain is a bad influence on me
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.