I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
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Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.