Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
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*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!