*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
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You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
The Birdles
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks