Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
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I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised