Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
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I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩