“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
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If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.