If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
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You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.