Not now. I’m deglazing.
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If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.